Saturday, April 25, 2009

An evening with Dr. Zibbs and the Swedish Chef

What can I say? I suppose I'm making lot of people around the world extremely jealous simply due to my fortuitous choosing of West Chester as a domicile, because of its relative proximity to one "Doctor Zibbs" of "That Blue Yak" fame. There are a lot of people who would pay any price, bear any burden, to make the pilgrimage and worship at the feat of the great Doctor, so it got me to thinking about starting a business, some sort of tour guide to West Chester, pointing out sites where Dr. Zibbs has been seen, pointing out actual bar stools where he has sat upon, or perhaps spiritual guide to West Chester, to help pilgrims cleanse themselves emotionally and physically in preparation to actually meeting him.

Let me tell you about how I met Dr. Zibbs.

The Doctor's hands are the key to life

Saigon, shit.....I lay in my hotel run, looking at my orders in disbelief. I couldn't believe they wanted him dead, West Point, Airborne, Special Forces. "Terminate with extreme prejudice" they said. I had to meet the crew of a Patrol Boat-River (PBR) at the mouth of the Brandywine river for the trip upstream so I got a ride on a Huey gunship with a troop from the 1st Cav, and lunatic surfer and battalion commander known as Lt. Col. Kilgore.

The crew of my PBR were a strange lot, the M-60 gunner looked like a very young Cowboy Curtis from the Pee Wee Herman show or maybe Morpheus from The Matrix.

After a surreal journey filled with pointless allegories and allusions, incoherent scenes with no point to the plot, (although the Playboy bunnies having to flee on the skids of a helicopter, that was a nice touch) I arrived at his den. The natives all seemed to look the same, holding glasses of thick black liquid, just staring at me otherwise silent. Then I met the Swedish Chef. He babbled excitedly, "he, he, he's a good man, a great man, he's changed my life, I'd follow him anywhere..." he went on and on, several different cameras dangling from around his neck. He seemed to go off on tangents, he was clearly insane, one minute he was talking about putting a bomb on a bus that would explode if it went less than 55 miles an hour, the next minute he was talking about the road to retirement, and having a plan, and about Ameriprise Financial. (By the way, who picks a stockbroker on the advice of Dennis Hopper?)

Then there he was, the Doctor himself. An ethereal glow seemed to emanate around his aura, the wicker chair providing the perfect framing backdrop, his white suite gleaming to the point of me having to shield my eyes. He wielded his spade shaped hand fan like a magician, effortlessly cooling himself, his bottle of 7-Up dripping sweat in his other hand. His first words to me were not exactly clear, something about being caffeine free, never had it, never will.

Ok enough, I think my memory of the evening was blurred by about 4 Guinness's, and the free swag we got from them, (T-Shirts and key chains) so I think I'm confusing my stories between Apocalypse Now, Hearts of Darkness, and a 7-Up commercial. Suffice to say, I met the man himself, and it was good. Everyone should meet Dr. Zibbs at least once in their lives, at least that's what it says in the Koran anyway. As for the Swedish Chef, as it turns out, we've probably met each other before at of all places, at John Young's Guerrilla Drive in! (It's a small world, and a really cool town West Chester is) He even grew up with and knows Nikki from Van Ryn's barbershop, she's the one that cuts my hair, of which Lana approves of. :)

I'm telling you, living in West Chester is great, spring is here, summer is coming, you got to get here!


Dr Zibbs said...

This is exactly how I remembered it. And if if wasn't so hot today I would have worn that t-shirt you gave me.

Peggy said...

Wait?!? Dr. Zibbs is caucasion? Wow!

Mike P. said...

So what you're saying is that Dr Zibbs and the Swedish Chef were never seen together? So you have no evidence to disprove the theory that they are the same person? Or that he shot Mr. Burns?

Cora said...

I'm so freaking jealous I think I'm gonna cry.


Why the hell am I living in Seattle, huh?


Cameron said... presume he's caucasion, but it could be a hand disguise. Or he may be intentionally misleading know how he can be

Swedish Chef said...

Theres a widely accepted theory that Zibbs changes color based on his mood...his sleeping state obviously a radiant blue.

I am not Zibbs, and have only presented my self as Zibbs once. ( at his request whilst meeting another local blogger, Jdizzle ) I'd link to her but I'm on my phone jetsetting around the county.

Mikey said...

I thought these were all fictional characters? Including myself. So what happens when the real world collides with the internet world? Is there a burst of energy and a lot of X-rays are released?